Lenses of Communication & Understanding
"Lessons learned at home in the middle of a pandemic" (Orig. written 03/13/2021 after a "passionate discussion" with my wife led to my a-ha moment. Rev 11/06/23 for Substack.)
Original Belief: If I say something to you, and you repeat back to me using similar words, but somehow my intended meaning has been skewed, that’s on you to clear up in your head. I said what I said (and I said this before Cardi B). 😏
The Situation: I say something to someone, having chosen my words intentionally for my purpose and what is repeated back to me does not match up. 🤔
The Reaction: NO! That’s so wrong; it’s not what I said. That’s what you heard? 😣That doesn’t make sense or at all match what I actually said. You’ve got it all twisted.
The Reality: Ummm…. that’s part of communication. It literally involves at least two people. So this can’t be right. I can’t be right! It’s not, I said what I said, and that’s it. There’s a second P.O.V. A whole other person! 😵💫😵💫
The Shock: I know all about (I’ve taught it) the rhetorical triangle, so I know the speaker and audience interact with the text, creating meaning, even if the text is spoken language between two individuals. But we don’t do the same thing with our everyday interactions with each other. 😮
“What we have here is a failure to communicate…” sounds cliché for a reason.
The A-Ha! It’s like we can have a cognitive lens or an emotional lens for communication. In some domains, it’s appropriate for us to take language at face value and weigh information communicated in a logical, cerebral way. When the other person’s FEELINGS don’t matter. When it’s just not about them, it’s about the idea being expressed. Some thoughts are worth getting exactly right.
The cognitive lens of communication and understanding
The rules of academic rhetoric dictate that the logically built and supported argument is always the most solid. Emotional appeals, while undeniably effective in reaching an audience, can quickly turn to emotional manipulations. (e.g. bloody scene in murder trial means someone must pay–and there he is). Objectivity is imperative; we cannot take things personally at all with this lens. Just the facts. Stick to the point or decision to be made. Weigh the options and evidence, and someone takes the W and someone takes the L, and then, carry on until next time. The cognitive lens of communication and understanding. (Someone has probably already named this something.)
The emotional lens of communication and understanding
With its own function and form, this lens invites a new understanding of constructing meaning by incorporating the interpretive emotions of the receiver of the message into the overall meaning of the message. This is where it gets tricky if you aren’t committed to the relationship and the merits of healthy communication. If you are too attached to the meaning of the words you have chosen for your own purpose to communicate how you are feeling in an emotional moment, you will be unable to hear the meaning in the words repeated back to you that don’t match what you said. The connotation is different in a significant way. They don’t match because the revised words carry with them the emotions of the recipient. They aren’t putting words in your mouth or intentionally misrepresenting your feelings; they’re sharing their own feelings with you.
Context [ Partner 1: Earlier agreed to fix a leaky faucet. Partner 2: …]
P1: “I wasn’t expecting you to be home already, so I thought I had time.”
P2: ”You weren’t expecting me to be home to find out that you put whatever I asked for last.”
It’s easy to imagine this escalating from here, depending on the level of emotion Partner 2 brings to the situation and how Partner 1 reacts. I propose that making sure you are listening and interpreting through your emotional lens. Partner 2 expresses not feeling prioritized. If those feelings can be validated empathetically, the situation likely won’t escalate. We need to shift lenses when communicating about emotional topics that require listening in a different way for effective communication to occur.
[And that’s as far as I’ve gotten with that.]
Why do you think any of this matters? Or does it?
Exactly. I’ve tended to get stuck in the correctness of what was said or repeated to me. I would get stuck in the thinking and fail to see the feelings expressed, which is still part of that communication. It stepped up my understanding of not taking things personally (Four Agreements).
Reminds me of this part in the book I’m reading rn about practicing mindfulness. Recognizing how what someone said to you triggers an emotion but not reacting in regards to that emotion. Seeing it... feeling it... letting it be... and then responding calmly after you try to understand what emotion your partner in this case was feeling when they made the comment.