Your description of your 9 year old self made me take a moment to try to remember the emotion I experienced most often as a kid. I was lucky to have what most would consider a great childhood, and I agree. I’ve always felt a little guilty that I had it so good, and how dare I point out the things that really weren’t? Those things were mainly the parts of myself that I’ve had to learn about and deal with, sometimes actually successfully. But when I sat here after reading this to force myself to identify that one over-arching feeling that defined me and my childhood, it was sadness. Not depression, but sadness. I was not connected in any lasting way to any of my peers until my mid-teens. I had friends, but we were mostly friends due to proximity. We were in the same neighborhood, and that was pretty much the only thing we had in common. I had many interests and activities, my teachers had to keep me engaged by providing more advanced subject matter, my parents and siblings were ridiculously intelligent and talented, so I was free to explore my talents and interests, and I did. Sounds idyllic. But it kept me separated from my peers even when we shared the same space. I was teased and bullied. I was the fat one, the smart one, the teacher’s pet, the awkward one, the fallback friend, the weird one who was always singing or reading or dancing or playing the piano. I was included in things mostly because my peers’ parents forced them to include me. I knew it, even though I would try to overlook it. I was always around, but always separate. I never felt like I belonged in any peer space, until I met my best friend Sandy. That was a connection for the ages. But before that, I was so often just sad. I still often am to this day, and still feel very separate, but it’s not overwhelming anymore. I long to have the friend connection I had with Sandy as a teen and beyond. It’s different as an adult - we’re busy and have schedules and responsibilities and such - but the separation is still clear. I have tried to fight my introversion and lack of confidence, but I’ve had to learn to embrace it because it’s just me.
I’m rambling and not making a point 🤣 but I appreciate the exercise inspired by this piece. I never really thought before about how sad I had been so much of the time as a kid. Maybe because it just became a familiar part of myself that I learned to embrace in a way. My childhood was very happy, but I was sad. And that made it feel like my ugly side. I’ll be thinking about that more, I’m sure.
Wow, Laurie. Thank you for sharing all of this. You made a very clear point, and how relatable. I’m happy to know you are singing and dancing and weirding your way through life with a partner who sees and loves you. And I’m happy to call you friend. :)
Your description of your 9 year old self made me take a moment to try to remember the emotion I experienced most often as a kid. I was lucky to have what most would consider a great childhood, and I agree. I’ve always felt a little guilty that I had it so good, and how dare I point out the things that really weren’t? Those things were mainly the parts of myself that I’ve had to learn about and deal with, sometimes actually successfully. But when I sat here after reading this to force myself to identify that one over-arching feeling that defined me and my childhood, it was sadness. Not depression, but sadness. I was not connected in any lasting way to any of my peers until my mid-teens. I had friends, but we were mostly friends due to proximity. We were in the same neighborhood, and that was pretty much the only thing we had in common. I had many interests and activities, my teachers had to keep me engaged by providing more advanced subject matter, my parents and siblings were ridiculously intelligent and talented, so I was free to explore my talents and interests, and I did. Sounds idyllic. But it kept me separated from my peers even when we shared the same space. I was teased and bullied. I was the fat one, the smart one, the teacher’s pet, the awkward one, the fallback friend, the weird one who was always singing or reading or dancing or playing the piano. I was included in things mostly because my peers’ parents forced them to include me. I knew it, even though I would try to overlook it. I was always around, but always separate. I never felt like I belonged in any peer space, until I met my best friend Sandy. That was a connection for the ages. But before that, I was so often just sad. I still often am to this day, and still feel very separate, but it’s not overwhelming anymore. I long to have the friend connection I had with Sandy as a teen and beyond. It’s different as an adult - we’re busy and have schedules and responsibilities and such - but the separation is still clear. I have tried to fight my introversion and lack of confidence, but I’ve had to learn to embrace it because it’s just me.
I’m rambling and not making a point 🤣 but I appreciate the exercise inspired by this piece. I never really thought before about how sad I had been so much of the time as a kid. Maybe because it just became a familiar part of myself that I learned to embrace in a way. My childhood was very happy, but I was sad. And that made it feel like my ugly side. I’ll be thinking about that more, I’m sure.
Wow, Laurie. Thank you for sharing all of this. You made a very clear point, and how relatable. I’m happy to know you are singing and dancing and weirding your way through life with a partner who sees and loves you. And I’m happy to call you friend. :)