Being the Adult in the Room
my challenges as a high school teacher
One of the most challenging aspects of teaching for me was the simple fact that I had to be the adult in the room at all times. I was absolutely expected to follow a lot of rules, and that’s not something I’ve ever really been into or comforted by. I get it that there are people out there (maybe you?) who like rules because structure means consistency, and consistency is comforting.
I prefer boundaries. Boundaries are kept by individuals by controlling their own behavior. Rules are imposed upon us. That’s different. That’s compliance, and I feel an itch. I don’t like being told what to do. From what I understand about my ADHD-wired brain, I am predisposed to rebel. But I did meet the definitions below. I was the adult doing the adult adulting.
Except when it came to taking accurate and timely attendance. That part, not so much.
a·dult
/əˈdəlt,ˈaˌdəlt/
noun: adult plural noun: adults
a person who is fully grown or developed.: "children should be accompanied by an adult".
synonyms: grown person, grown-up person, grown-up, mature person
adjective: adult
(of a person or animal) fully grown or developed.: "the adult inhabitants of the U.S".
synonyms: mature, grown-up, fully grown, fully developed, in one's prime, in full bloom
verb: adult, adults, adulted, adulting
behave in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially by accomplishing mundane but necessary tasks.: "I've adulted with moderate success this week by compiling invoices and billing my client" "I am 24 and still trying to figure out how to adult.”
Note: I also played, which has nothing to do with being an adult, other than most adults have forgotten how to play. I have never forgotten how to play. Maybe that’s my super power?
I reminded myself daily that I was indeed that adult in the room, but I am also the most honest person in just about any room most days. I wouldn’t lie to my students about my thoughts on the rules. I did the job I needed to. Some parts of that job I did very well, and others I did not. I never aimed to be perfect, nor did I ever expect that of my students.
Examples of rules I don’t care much about:
Hats. What they look like. How you wear them. Don’t. Care.
Eating in class. Hungry people should eat. Don’t be a slob, but snack away.
Bathroom passes. What do I care? Don’t be gone 15 minutes is all I ask.
ad·o·les·cent
/ˌadlˈes(ə)nt/
adjective: adolescent
(of a young person) in the process of developing from a child into an adult.: "many parents find it hard to understand their adolescent children".
synonyms: teenage, teenaged, pubescent, youthful, young, juvenile, teen
antonyms: adult
noun: adolescent plural noun: adolescents
young human; "the books are aimed at children and adolescents.”
synonyms: teenager, youngster, young person, young adult, young one, youth, juvenile, minor, antonyms: adult, infant
Restroom Note: In my perfect world, I’d trust all people all of the time, but I accept that’s not always possible. We have to police their individual whereabouts to keep the whole group of them safe. And to be fair to teenagers, what percentage of adults would you trust to be honest about their true motives at any given moment? What might you say to get out of a room or away from a person that made you uncomfortable? Maybe the kid is going to be texting their friend at another high school or is checking the likes on their new pfp on Insta. SIDENOTE: I wonder what students would come up with if they were tasked with coming up with a schoolwide bathroom policy. What would that criteria look like? 1-student run and enforced 2- Rules: -substance free–no loitering--one per stall.
Here’s the funny part. I am also known as a rule follower.
Why NOT just follow the rule, Kid?
I mean, it’s a valid question. Listen closely. IF the teenager trusts you, what they say next might surprise you.
Potential scenario per Kid’s POV: Reason 1: to save face/self-respect
Why? the request felt disrespectful How? teacher tone of voice or face
Reason 2: to save face/street cred
Why? they feel too seen/exposed
How? peer witnesses
Reason 3: to assert some power over a small thing because they have no power to control the big things
Why? adults make all the rules and decide if they believe kids or not.
Yeah, but…
What I think a reader might be thinking/feeling about the above and my response…
1-Kids respect adults. PERIOD. We will never see eye-to-eye, but I encourage you to stay because we MUST begin to understand the other side if we’re going to improve this world at all while we’re still here breathing.
2-We can’t condone “street code” to rule at school. I agree, but we can’t control how our students experience school. This is their POV.
3-So what? Kids have never had control. That’s how it goes being a kid. Earn I’your adulthood. I wish I could agree, but until the supposed adults running the world do a better job of caring for fellow humans, this argument doesn’t fly, float, or hold water.
My point (so far) is, we need to start assisting adolescents in the continuation of their human development. And to do so, we need a whole slew of already fully developed, emotionally intelligent, psychologically grounded adult humans who are equipped to get the job done.
What have you experienced or observed? I’m asking because I have a lot of questions with a few developing answers and a big interest in working with others to figure out how we can do better for the kids. They are the future, after all.
Ohhh, woman, I love this! Such a good start to a very important discussion. The way you frame the difference between boundaries and rules is so insightful and empowering, and I feel it’s so needed today. I think we’ve grown out of a world where authority is supposed to be followed just because of age and where the young are expected to obey rules without question, simply “because I said so.” A rebel in me wakes up immediately!
It should never be about obedience. It should be about self-regulation.
And it's our job to teach children how to do that.
This topic is deeply important! I also teach young kids, though online, where there are far fewer rules (probably why I love this way of teaching!). But what really stayed with me is how you don’t see teenagers as troublemakers for the sake of it. The heart of the piece is clear: kids are not the problem—we are. And it’s often easier to say “they don’t listen,” “they don’t care,” “they’re just rebellious”… but really, we adults are the ones who need to grow up, to become the kind of people who can hold space for them to grow up, too.
Thank you for this piece. That rebel in you is sacred, and this world needs more adults like you!